I’ve been obsessed with the Barbie/Lilli, Jewish/German story for a long while, but have continually pushed the project away. I had a bunch of reasons for this distancing: I’m not qualified to look into this; maybe there’s no “there” there; this is too niche; this is too obvious; I’m in my 30s now - I missed my chance to have an artistic life.
I was an actor for a long time, but the tidal wave of Covid washed that path away. I’ve wandered in the intervening years, at a loss for where to direct my creative energy. I tried really hard to work more normal, structured jobs (or to “be a muggle,” as my artist friends would call it) and to build up some semblance of security.
Not only have I been super unhappy, but I also just can’t stop thinking about Lilli. Her’s is a story I repeatedly come back to, the loudest siren call to rediscover a path away from the mundane.
So part of the answer to “why this, why now?” is that I’ve proven to myself that I won’t ever feel fulfilled unless I indulge this obsession. It’s powerful enough to block out the noise of my doubts. It helps that enough time has passed since the inciting wound of Covid; I’m ready to risk a more artistic life, and to believe again in magic.
Another “why now” puzzle piece has to do with matters of age, identity, and what’s going on in the world. As I write this, I’m 34, and my parents are 75. As a single woman without children, I have a bunch of freedom to “find myself,” and time spent investigating my family’s past is precious. The darkness of current events has also promoted a real desire for spiritual community, and I want to learn more about the faith that used to be so central to my mom’s life.
Coincidentally, it’s another complicated moment to be Jewish. The government of Israel is doing terrible things to countless humans, and to be a Jew demands a point of view. It no longer feels acceptable for me to “pass” and live in ignorance of a culture/faith/people that make up half my DNA. Leaning into this project provides the perfect motivator to study in earnest; I’ve committed to an Intro to Judaism course at a Temple near me in Los Angeles, and am ready to engage with Jewish communities regarding faith and politics alike.
Finally, I am, at heart, an analog girl living in a digital world. I think dolls matter, for children and adults. In this bizarre moment where AI is increasingly invading every facet of life, my hope is to find as much research and evidence as I can to support why we as humans still need something (or someone?) like Barbie.